Apologies
by Kizmet
Summary: Anyone else out there think Angel isn't the only one needing to apologize after Epiphany?
1. A Choice

A Choice

Seeing the four of them here, together again, should warm my heart.Except something's off with my fav groups of heroes.

I start watching them more closely.I almost wish one of them, or more, would do that impression of a dying animal that they call singing.Not a decent voice among the lot of them, still it would give me a clue as to why I don't think all is right in the world.

On the other hand, body language speaks volumes and it's easier on my ears.Group dynamics, the three humans are sitting close together, laughing and talking, Angel-cakes is mostly watching, sitting a little ways away from the others, part of the group, but not really.It's a hint, but it may mean nothing, it may be just Angel being Angel.He's never been the social butterfly.Well, at least not in the last century or so.Still the way he flinches every time the threesome laugh at some in-joke he doesn't get tells me that it is indicative of the problem.

I watch him try, occasionally, to join the conversation.Doesn't look like he's having much luck.Not that the others purposely exclude him, they just don't make the effort to let him in.With every failure Angel moves a little farther from the group, back into the shadows.

Eventually he quits smiling or nodding in the right places, they didn't notice when he did so he's given up the effort.Even in the beginning his expression never really reached his eyes, but he was trying.When they first walked in he looked so happy just to be with them, even while looking nervous enough to jump out of his skin if anyone said boo to him.I've been watching that happiness fade all night.

After about another ten minutes he says something about going and leaves without them acknowledging it.At the door he pauses, turns back and watches the three of them for a few minutes, a brief look of pain crosses his face.Then he turns and leaves.

Damn it!I would have thought I'd done my part once Angel got it through his thick skull that he needs them.Seems like he isn't the only one who needs a few words about moving forward.

I join the trio. "A little strange don't cha think?A vampire deciding to call it an early night?" I ask.

They look up in surprise."What do you mean?" Wesley replies.

"Angel, he left."

"Yes, well Angel has never really been one to socialize," Wesley says.

"Can't imagine why that would be," I reply derisively, wondering who'll jump at the bait.

"What are you trying to imply?" Cordelia snaps."That we're not good company?"

Bingo."No, just that some people feel less lonely when they're alone rather than where their company isn't wanted," I comment.

That threw them for a loop.More of one than I was really expecting.I was dead certain that Angel could win them back as long as they stayed alive.Maybe it's a good thing I'm not a betting man, but for Angel's sake I hope not.

"It's difficult," Wesley finally says."He walked out on us."

"Yeah he did, and that was the impetus for you three forming this tight little circle you've got.It would be hard for you to let anyone in, let alone Angel," I say.

"It's not just that," Cordelia protests."I mean on top of walking out he let Wesley get shot, let those lawyers people die, got all obsessive about Wolfram and Hart and Darla.He was obsessing about Darla from the second we found out she was back.He never told us about Darla making guest spots in his dreams…"

"Hold on Sweetness," I say raising my hands in a put-the-brakes-on way."That's quite the list you've got."

"Yeah, you see why it ain't just a matter of letting someone new in," Gunn comments.

"Sure, but let's take a second look at a few of those complaints," I comment."Wesley here, got shot during that zombie police infestation we had a few weeks ago right?"At their nods I continue."That's not a separate complaint from Angel abandoning you.He didn't let Wesley get shot, he just wasn't there to stop it."

"Same diff," Cordelia shrugs.

"You ever wonder what stopped your zombies?It may not mean anything to you, but a certain vampire of our acquaintance got in some kind of a tussle with the Captain of the precinct that was giving you trouble that same night," I say."I won't argue that Angel should have told you what he knew about the problem rather than trying to solve it on his own, but he was dealing with your problem, and it had nothing to do with a certain bunch of lawyers.Still, lets move on.About him getting obsessed with Darla, did you ever ask why?"

"Not in so many words," Wesley says awkwardly."I offered to talk about what was on his mind."

"But you didn't confront him until there were dead bodies involved and by then he was already in too deep for you to reach him.By that time the only way back was for him to hit bottom.Maybe things would have been different if you'd confronted him before he tried to trade his life for Darla's; before he'd invested so much of himself into saving her then had to watch helplessly as she was taken beyond all possibility of being saved.Maybe you should have made it an issue back when he was just sleeping all the time.Drastic changes in a person's sleep pattern usually indicate something's pretty badly wrong with them.Still, it's hard to admit something's gone wrong with some one you care for."

"He didn't tell us about the dreams," Wesley protests.

"What was he supposed to tell you?That he was having erotic dreams staring the vampire who turned him?"

"It would have helped," Wesley says stiffly.

"How?She was dead as far as he knew.The fact that he was dreaming about her wouldn't have lead anyone of you to the conclusion that she was back and paying visits to her favorite without his knowing.Because of how the curse broke, sex and Angel in the same sentence tends to send people into panic mode.You think he's just gonna tell you that in his dreams he's getting hot and heavy with the girl from the very worst part of his past?Did you ever ask him what was the appeal of those dreams?It's not like she's his little Slayer or like he has fond memories of her.Did you ever ask how he felt about finding out that those dreams had a fair share of reality in them?"

"What do you mean how Angel felt about the dreams?"Wesley asks me.

"How he felt about finding out Darla had been in his bed what…"

"Every night for three weeks, sitting on top of him," Cordelia supplies.

"Yeah, that.It's one thing to dream about a person and another altogether to find out they've been having they're way with you while you were out cold.I mean if Darla had ever let Angel wake up and asked him how he felt about having her in his bed, what do you think he would have said?"

"He would have told her to get out," Wesley answers quietly.

"Told her!He would have kicked her ass out," Gunn exclaims, then his expression gets uncomfortable.

They're all squirming a little now.I think they got the point, still… "And I know vampires are dead, but they don't sleep like it.So I'm thinking Little Miss Trouble had some help, either chemical or magical to make sure Angel didn't wake up during her visits.She didn't have consent, she didn't leave Angel the option of saying no.I think the technical term for what she was doing is rape."

"I've got to apologize," Cordelia exclaims."I mean… I didn't think of it like that and then when he wanted to find Darla after we knew she was human and all, I pretty much blamed him for not dealing with her before.And I know tactless is my style, but… I didn't think of it like that… I wouldn't have said what I did."

"I don't believe any of us considered the issue of consent," Wesley says.

"I guess we've got several more names to cross off as nominees for friend of the year," I comment.

"When Angel first found out about Darla being alive he was angry, really angry.We thought he was going mental, or evil." Cordelia say."But later, all he could think about was saving her.Why would he want to?"

"Don't ask me Sweet, ask Angel.Might be educational.You complain he doesn't know you, but how well do you know him?"

"Well if you haven't noticed Angel doesn't really go in for sharing personal stuff," Cordelia says defensively.

"Do you ask?"

"No," Wesley admits."Angel… That's not even his original name is it?He was disturbed by the realization that he'd never known Darla's human name.He hadn't even realized it wasn't her name until just a few months ago.He told me that Darla wasn't commonly used as a name until a century or so after her death.It didn't occur to me then, but Angel, or Angelus for that matter aren't Irish names."

"It's just a name, it doesn't matter," Gunn objects."A lot of people use names that aren't the ones they got from their parents."

"You've got a point, that isn't one of the big questions," I say."Most of those start with why and they haven't been asked either."

"Doyle always asked those," Cordelia says in a small voice."Before he…"

"The questions still need asking," I tell her sympathetically.

"What if we don't like the answers?" she asks.

"You probably won't like all of them," I admit."Angel doesn't expect you to.That's part of why he doesn't volunteer much information.But if you want to heal your friendship it's gonna take more than Angel feeling bad about what happened.You're all going to have to do a lot of talking.About how you felt, about why things happened.Too much has happened for you to ever put him on a pedestal again or to give him your trust blindly.He wants your trust back, but he'll never get if you don't understand why things got so out of hand, because without that you'll never be able to figure out whether or not Angel learned from his mistakes."

"If you ask him to, Angel will take the blame for everything.It's a habit with him.But even if he does own a lion's share of the blame he's not the only one who made mistakes.Unless both sides are honest it won't work out, not in the long run."

"Let him be the only guilty party and you know he'll keep on taking all the blame, just like he generally does.At some point he's got to learn to differentiate between what's his fault and what's out of his control.If he doesn't he'll eventually crumble under the weight of all that misery and you'll be looking at a repeat of the last few months."

"If the three of you want to get over this; to move forward with Angel as a friend it'll be a lot of hard work, for you as well as him.I guess you have to decide if he's worth it, or cut him loose and let him start again with someone else.But don't leave him hanging in the balance, he deserves better than that particular misery."


	2. A Decision

A Decision

** **

"What do we do?"Cordelia asked once the Host had left them.

"We make a decision," Wesley replied.

"It's not that easy," Cordelia argued."What do we ask Angel?How do we ask Angel anything?I don't even know how to talk to him anymore.He cut off communication with us, I just don't know how to open it again.What if we can't?I don't feel close to him anymore.Even if it's partly our fault things aren't like they were.How do we go into all this really awkward personal stuff when there's nothing left to build on?"

"Um, excuse me," The group turned to stare at David Nabbit, who was once again wearing his purple cloak."I was going to ask if I could hang with you guys for awhile, but I think I'd be intruding.It sounds like you have some important stuff to work out.I couldn't help over hearing, so I'll go, but I want to tell you something.When I was in High School I had a friend who started having problems.We were all aware that something was wrong but she never wanted to talk about it.The harder you pushed her the more she insisted there was nothing to talk about.The rest of us discussed telling the councilor about our worries, but we decidedit wasn't our place.She had made it clear that she didn't want help; we decided to respect that.We let her drift father away from us, because she made it was too difficult stay close."

"So what happened?" Gunn asked impatiently when David failed to continue after a few seconds.

"She shot herself one night," David said dully."I wished we'd forgotten all about respecting her choices or how weird it would have felt to keep trying when she obviously didn't want us to and gotten her the help she needed.We offered her a hand and she didn't take it, so I guess it was her fault, but she's not the one left with regrets, she's dead."

David turned and walked away leaving silence behind him.

"We make a decision," Wesley had said, but Cordelia was right; it wasn't that easy.The next morning came and went and Angel joined them at the new Agency and still nothing had been decided.

Angel squirmed nervously under their stares.Even when they tried to hide it he could feel them watching him.

"Did we… Did you get a case?" Angel stammered.

"No, nothing," Wesley replied."There's a closet in the other room if you want to get rid of your coat and stay awhile."

"I'm fine," Angel said quickly.

"Come on, it's not like you could be cold," Cordelia exclaimed, tugging at Angel's arm, he gasped in pain.

"What happened?" Wesley asked, concerned.

"It's nothing, it'll be healed in a day or two," Angel protested.

"I've seen what takes you a day or two to heal from," Cordelia scolded."And it's not nothing."

Looking defeated Angel carefully removed his hand from the coat's pocket, revealing sever burns that trailed up from his fingers, over his wrist to disappear under the sleeve of his coat.

"I'll get the first aid supplies," Cordelia said."Nothing my foot!" She muttered as she walked into the back room.

"How did you get burned this badly?" Wesley asked, helping Angel out of his coat.

Angel unbuttoned the cuff of his shirt and gingerly peeled the sleeve back, but the burns went further up his arm than the shirtsleeve would.

"Angel?" Wesley pushed."What happened?"

"I didn't go looking for her!" Angel insisted sharply."I swear it!"  
  


"Darla," Wesley sighed, it wasn't a question.

"I'm sorry," Angel said.

"Angel, you're going to have to take off the shirt so I can bandage it right," Cordelia said upon returning.

"It was hell getting it buttoned in the first place," Angel protested.

Looking exasperated, Cordelia set to work on the buttons herself.Then she blushed and stepped back suddenly."I'm sorry," she exclaimed."I didn't think… again… I shouldn't have… but I can't fix it with the shirt in the way and it's not like I haven't patched you up a hundred times before."

"It's okay," Angel sighed, he stood still, head down, not wanting to see their eyes as Cordelia resumed removing his shirt.

When she fell back gasping in shock Angel said defensively."It's old, I didn't do anything wrong since my epiphany."

Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn were all staring at the ugly dark reddish bruise spreading across much of his abdomen, sending purplish tendrils curling up on to his chest, Angel could feel they're eyes burning into him.

"How… How long ago?" Wesley stammered.

"Two weeks," Angel mumbled.

"I though you said it happened before," Gunn accused.

"I'll go," Angel said."But I didn't do anything wrong then, some things just… carried over.I can't control that."

"Angel wait!" Wesley cried."Why aren't you healing?"

Angel shrugged bitterly, "Maybe I'm being punished."

"Or maybe you should have a doctor look at that," Cordelia suggested.

"I'm dead," Angel said.

"This is LA," Wesley commented."I'm certain we can find a physician specializing in the supernatural."

"Tell me when it hurts," The doctor ordered, pressing lightly against Angel's bruised torso.

The souled vampire sat on the edge of the examination table, his burned arm covered in a light dressing from fingertips to shoulder, staring blankly over the top of the man's head.

"I don't want stoic," the doctor said."I want to know what hurts so I can figure out what needs fixed."He stared probing the outside edges of the bruise again, gradually working his way inward.

"Now," Angel said quietly.

The doctor nodded and continued with his examination."Blunt object trauma," he commented absently."Possibly a baseball bat or a lead pipe, but considering your species it would have had to have been a major league hitter swinging it."

"A sledgehammer," Angel said, hoping to shut the man up.

"Yeah, that would have done it," The doctor said."You really pissed someone off didn't you.Even I don't get many cases involving sledgehammer attacks.Let me guess, the bruise has been getting larger rather than healing and you're more hungry than normal but feeding doesn't help."

"Yes," Angel replied.

"Well, your stomach's ruptured.Probably popped like a balloon when you got hit.It looks like an overly red bruise, only your kind doesn't have enough blood to bruise this badly.In this case the coloration isn't coming from your blood, it's from what you eat.It gets all sorts of places where it shouldn't, creating pressure and the pain. What's worse is your body only manages to use a fraction of what you eat, so you don't heal right.I'm going to have to go in and sew the pieces back together.I'll have to put you under because if there's on thing I don't like, it's my patients squirming while I try to operate.I can take care the whole thing right here, there's an operating room down the hall.Go finish getting undressed and wait for me there."

"Should I come?" Wesley asked.

"I don't need an audience either," the doctor replied."You wait here, you can take him home in an hour or so, when I'm finished."

The doctor left Wesley in the examination room and found Angel waiting for him in the operating room, looking embarrassed by his nakedness and generally uncomfortable."It won't just heal eventually?" he asked, trying not to sound nervous.

"Not right it won't, the only reason vampires ever get injuries that last is if their innards get so badly rearranged that their body's can't get things back in the proper place.In your case, I'd bet that the torn tissue got folded back, even if it does heal eventually, you'd still have a hole in your stomach," the doctor explained patiently."You'd still hurt."

"Do you really need to knock me out?" Angel asked."I promise to lay still."

"Don't make promises you can't keep.To repair this I need to cut you open.Do you honestly think you could stay still while I do that?"

"Yes," Angel said hopefully.

The doctor rolled his eyes in disgust."Trust me, you won't be able to, I don't want your self-denfense reflexes kicking in.Do you think I've stayed alive treating demons this long if I didn't know what I was doing?A lot of you are fairly violent, and suing for malpractice isn't exactly the first thing you think of now is it?Besides your friend's right out side, you aren't in any danger."

"Alright," Angel said uncertainly.

"Good, lay back on the table," The doctor said handing Angel an IV."I'm going to need you to put this in for me, I still need a pulse to find a vein."

Angel slid the needle into the large vein in the crook of his elbow after several minutes' hesitation.

"Now I want you to count backwards from ten," the doctor instructed.

"Ten, nine, eight… seven… si…"

"Will he be alright?" Wesley asked.

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised."Vampires make the easiest patients.You can't kill one unless you're trying and all you ever need to fix them is an anatomy book so you can figure out what's in the wrong spot.Give your friend fifteen to twenty minutes to throw off the effect of the medication I used to put him under.Then you can take him home.Tell him to avoid strenuous activity for the next few days and irate individuals with sledgehammers for the foreseeable future."

Wesley watched as Angel's dark eyes fluttered open and focused blurrily on him.

"Are ye mad at me?"Angel asked.

"Not for getting hurt," Wesley sighed.

"I swear.On Buffy's life, I swear I didna seek them out," Angel insisted, the after effects of the medications causing him to fall back into long forgotten speech patterns.

"I believe you," Wesley said, but Angel didn't register the ex-Watcher's words.

"You're mad and you're goin' ta send me away, but I didna do anything bad," Angel protested tiredly.

"They were right," Wesley said to Cordelia and Gunn after leaving Angel at the Hyperion to rest."The Host was right, that Angel regrets what happened isn't enough to fix things.He was afraid we'd be angry with him because Darlaand Lindsey attacked him, that's why he was hiding his injuries, or at least their source.Lindsey must have been what delayed him in joining us that first night to rescue Cordelia.David was right, it doesn't matter how awkward it will be, it doesn't matter who's at fault.We need a new foundation for trust with Angel before all we have left is regrets.What if we'd taken him into a fight with him injured?Either he would have been killed because of it, or one of us would have been because he wouldn't have been able to hold up his end of things."

"Angel said he wanted to earn back our trust.It's time we gave him a place to start, and maybe in doing so we'll have given him a reason to trust us again as well."


	3. A Start

A Start

Angel looked up, dark eyes widening as he heard three familiar mortal heartbeats approaching his rooms in the Hyperion.He felt tension building in his muscles as he waited for them to knock.He always waited until they knocked, it was easier, more human, than explaining that he could hear and recognize their heartbeats.

They stood right outside the door, their hushed whispers as they argued over who would be their spokesperson carried clearly to Angel.

He wanted to yank the door open and tell them to just get it over with.He already knew that they had decided that they didn't want him anymore, that the night before's fight with Darla voided the trial period they'd given him.He'd promised it was over with Darla and then that happened.He couldn't blame them for being angry about it.He couldn't even blame Darla for attacking him; it wasn't as if they'd parted on good after they'd had sex.As was normal that eliminated everyone except himself when it came to apportioning guilt… Still he'd hoped… Now all he could do was pray that they would finish it quickly, but no they were going to drag things out.

Angel forced himself to stay seated, to wait for them to knock.Then he'd pretend he'd just realized they were there.It was all part of the game of pretending to be human.His first rule of dealing with mortals he wanted to call friends really; always act human, do nothing to remind them of what he was.Last summer he'd started to relax, he'd begun to feel secure that they liked he was enough not to care what he was.Last summer that had even been true, and then Darla came back and he destroyed all that.Now the rules were back, to be followed more strictly than ever.He had to prove himself all over again.Never drink blood in front of them.Never let his demon show in his features.Never remind them that his sense had the sharpness of a born predator.Never remind them that he wasn't like them.They didn't want to know how much their involuntary reactions told him.They were just more comfortable that way. 

"What does it matter now?" Angel wondered despairingly as he rose and went to the door.

Wesley, his hand raised to knock, blinked owlishly at the suddenly open door."Ah… Angel, we believe… It has been pointed out to us… by both circumstances and certain parties that… Angel, we need to talk."

Angel retreated silently into his rooms.Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn followed him.They stood grouped together, looking at the floor, the walls, the furniture, anywhere except at him.A human could have seen how much they didn't want to be there, Angel could smell the fear scent that was rapidly rising in the room.

They were scared of him.More than anything else that told him he'd screwed up beyond all hope of repair.Before this it had been so long since he'd been the cause of they're fear.Even that day after Rebecca Lowell's drugs had worn off him had been better than this.They'd left him tied up for a few hours, and then it had never been mentioned again.Angel had already known things wouldn't be so easy this time.This time it was months of problems he was struggling to overcome rather than a few hours lapse, and, above all, this time it was his fault.

"The way things are now," Wesley was saying."We can't work as a time like this.We don't trust you and quite frankly you don't trust us either."

"I trust you completely," Angel protested.

"If that's true, why did you hide your injuries?" Wesley asked.

"I thought…" Angel trailed off; he didn't think it would improve his case to say he had hidden things that he was certain they wouldn't like.

"You thought we'd be angry," Wesley said."You knew that both Darla and Lindsey sought you out.You knew what happened was outside of your control.Still you couldn't trust us to make that distinction."

"I'm sorry," Angel said.

"Why should you be?" Wesley asked quietly."We've certainly not given you any reason to expect support from us."

"What?" Angel asked, wondering if he needed to be sitting down for this conversation.It wasn't at all what he'd expected.

"That's part of what we wanted to talk to you about," Wesley said."In the months before your fired us we made our fair share of mistakes as well.We need to own up to that.It's practically a rule that when friendships fall apart both parties are bound to share in the blame."

"I shouldn't have let myself become obsessed with Darla," Angel objected."If I hadn't none of this would have happened."

"We should have helped you maintain some form of objectiveness once you decided to help her," Wesley stated."Despite how badly things turned out, you weren't wrong in wanting save her.As you know better than any of us Darla has a dark past and Wolfram and Hart brought her here as a weapon against you, but the same was true of Faith.Those facts didn't make her any less in need of help.You were right in your desire to help both of them and we should have supported you."

"We knew you were attempting to help some who could easily prove impossible to salvage.We knew you had a long and involved past with Darla.We knew your situation had several parallels with hers," Wesley sighed."And still we acted as if it werereasonable to expect that your judgment wouldn't be impaired by those facts.We should have realized that Darla's actions before we discovered her return, would further comprise your emotional stability."

"When we finally took our head out of the sand and acknowledged that the situation was out of control, we immediately confronted and accused you." Wesley said."It wasn't exactly the most tactful way of saying you needed help, and it came much too late,"

"The four of us should have been talking months ago, it would have been easier and perhaps things wouldn't have gotten so bad if we had.But the simple fact of the matter is we didn't.The past is fixed, as are the mistakes we all made.Rather than repairing a small rift between us, we have to bridge a chasm, but we're willing to make the attempt.We want you back Angel," Wesley finished.

Angel stared at Wesley for almost a minute, then turned to include Cordelia and Gunn is his thunderstruck appraisal.They were with Wesley, but they couldn't mean what he thought they'd said."I don't understand," he stammered."I thought you came to tell me to stay out of your lives."

"It's easier to take you back than to agree on a new name for the agency," Gunn said sardonically.

"But… when you first came in…you were afraid of me.Why would you want me around?" Angel asked.

"Not of you," Cordelia said rolling her eyes."Of admitting we screwed up.It isn't fun, having to say you're sorry."

Angel felt a tentative smile tugging at his lips."I think I have an idea of what you mean," he said.


	4. A Rut

A Rut

Note:This isn't exactly a sequel to the other three, more of the other side of the coin… What could happen if Cordy, Wesley, and Gunn do leave Angel to take all the responsibility for everything that happened?In other words, I rewatched "Epiphany" and noted the difference in Angel's demeanor during that last little conversation with Kate and when he goes to apologize to the gang.

The vision came right before sunset so we decided to just swing by the hotel and pick Angel up rather than waiting for him to show up at the office.We didn't bother to call first or anything.I mean really, where else was he going to be?We never expected him to have company.

Things never really went back to the way they were between us after he came back and I wish I could say that the changes were for the better but I'd be lying.

Angel works for us, he's not our friend, we don't stop by his place unless we have a need to, he doesn't hang around or cook breakfast after late night world saving anymore.In the beginning there were times when I was almost certain Angel wanted us to ask him back into our circle, but we were still punishing him so we didn't.Now he's so guarded around us I don't know what he say if we did.

The first few weeks were awkward.What we expected really.Angel was apologetic, remorseful and maybe we reminded him why he should be a few times too often but he hurt us. Just by letting him come back we did our part.The rest was up to him.

In the beginning he had a tendency to forget he wasn't in charge anymore when things got hectic, but someone, usually Gunn, always reminded him of that afterwards.We never really expected the whole employee thing to take, but Angel adapted.He stopped phrasing things as orders, started making suggestions.He started waiting for our signals, letting us take the lead.His whole presence changed, he's different somehow, not Angel anymore.

Except once, about a month ago, we ended up cornered by about a dozen vampires.I thought we were done for.So did Wes and Gunn, I could see that go-out-with-a-bang mentality in their eyes.We'd all given up.Then Angel turns on this whole I'm-someone-to-be-reckoned-with vibe and backs them down.It was strange, even though he called himself Angelus; I was seeing the PTB's warrior for the first time in over a year.

Afterwards he apologized to us for acting out of turn.We really didn't know how to respond to that, so we didn't. 

We usually don't really know how to react to Angel.Early on we set patterns, made rules, because it was a habit to trust Angel and we were afraid of getting hurt again.So yeah we were kinda mean to Angel, reminding him all the time of how he'd screwed up, but we were really reminding ourselves.Those patterns were supposed to be temporary, just until we were sure he was really back, but people can always develop new habits.Some habits are harder to break than others, and those patterns… that's just how we interact with Angel now.

Like when he gets hurt.My first reaction was always to worry, to check how bad it was this time, to care.I didn't want him to know I still cared, so I'd revert to the old me from high school and be nasty and sarcastic when I tried to get him to let me patch things up.Then he'd just say it was nothing, that it would heal, that I didn't need to bother myself about him, and then he'd leave.He does heal, he's a vampire after all, but I'd feel better if I knew his wounds got proper attention.Sometimes I watch him favor an injury, and I just know he's taking longer than he should to heal.Except I can't really be sure since I never know how bad it was in the first place.I really do worry, but the first thing that comes out of my mouth is some stupid crack or Angel just takes whatever I say the wrong way.Then nothing gets done about the problem.

Nothing ever gets done about anything with regards to Angel.We discussed it, decided that maybe the guilt over getting all dark and creepy while having a soul broke something in Angel.We all thought that maybe it was us that had broken him, but we never said it, didn't want to face the possibility.Afterwards he was always so somber, remorseful, even compared to Angel's normal standards, which is saying a whole lot.He wasn't really broody anymore, more like being shut down. It was like he only felt this really narrow range of emotion, nothing on the positive end of the spectrum, but never angry or hurt or upset either, just regretful.

But there'd be little cracks, like when he needed to relate to someone in order to help.Of all of us Angel's really the best at understanding people.It's not just the stalker, evil types we fight either.Those he understands because of a century and a half of being a soulless psychopath.The others; people who are hurt or scared or lonely or abused, the lost souls we try to help; he understands them too, because of century that came afterwards.The one we don't really know anything about.Not even the Watcher diaries say much, just that after a century and a half of being one of the most notorious vampires ever Angelus moved to the US and dropped off the map.Whatever happened to him then, or maybe during his human life taught him to understand people who are hurting.

The only times I ever see the Angel I used to be best friends with is when he's too busy helping someone to notice that I'm watching him.Then he's warm and caring and sympathetic, alive and whole in a way that the new Angel never is.

Until today I thought he was doing that from memories of what he was like before, like when he pretended to be Angelus to draw out Faith.He's always been the best actor of the group.Which is probably only because he's had a lot longer to practice, but I can't deny that he's convincing when he tries to be.Now I'm suddenly wondering if it were us that he convinced.Wonder if he's been so different because he was giving us the person we demand he be.

There's this courtyard area behind the hotel.Angel always loved it, cause it's got enough shadows that he can be out there even during the day.That's where we found him when we showed up.He was talking with Kate and didn't notice us right away.She was really animated about something, smiling and cheerful, exuberantly excited to be sharing her good news.Angel was listening to her, absolutely enthralled.He looked relaxed and kind of happy.I'd forgotten how that looks on him, it's been so long since I've seen him enjoy anything.It's not perfect, curse-breaking, world-endangering, happiness, there are still shadows in his eyes, his past still haunts him, but it's a balanced kind of pain.The past happened and it wasn't pretty, but it's the present he's living in.

When he first came back we were the ones that wouldn't let go of the past.We demanded retribution for our grievances.At first we didn't really want him back as a friend.Then it just seemed like too much work to try to change how things were, and why should we be the ones to do the work.It was Angel's fault, shouldn't he be the one to do all the rebuilding of bridges?Then we worried that maybe he couldn't, but still we never really tried meeting him half way.We just assumed that there was something wrong with him and that was why things weren't working out.In the end we accepted how things were now and tried to forget there were parts of the past that we missed.

Angel came back; we let him come back, because we all agreed that he could, that he should help us.Because I still get the visions, because I'm still his connection to the PTB, he can't leave, not really.Sometime I think the visions are the only reason he stays with us now.I wonder if he ever wishes that I weren't his seer.Our sticking together has nothing to do with friendship, our friendships with Angel are in ashes and even those went cold a long time ago.

We thought Angel gave up on friendships after he came back.Only watching him with Kate, I know they're friends.It wasn't friendship Angel gave up on; it was us.He came back and he tried and we threw that in his face so he quit trying.I guess even Angel isn't that much of a glutton for punishment.

I shouldn't be bitter.I always knew, deep down that he needed us.That he hurt himself as badly as he hurt us, maybe worse, when he cut himself off.That he draws stability from having relationships with people.I should be glad he has Kate, because it's good for him.Because having friends or at least a friend, is what he needs to be able to help people and there are people out there that Angel can help even when Wesley, Gunn and I can't.Sometimes it's because of what he is, but sometimes it's just because of who he is.

I should be glad for those people's sake that he and Kate made up.That she was willing to make an effort to repair what broke between them even if we weren't.I knew that they'd buried the hatchet back around the time he had his epiphany, at least in a vague sort of way.I always assumed it was the sort of truce Angel had with Giles or Xander… or with Wesley, Gunn and I; A "We'll let you help us and we won't try to stake you, but we don't like you and we certainly won't forgive you," sort of thing.

We didn't really feel that way, but we acted it, because… well… I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time.We always thought we'd go back to being friends with Angel, eventually, once he'd proved himself.I guess we forgot to tell him that.Now we're the just the people he works with, Kate's the one he's friends with… I wonder if he cooks for her.

Angel was wrong.He hurt us.It was our right to decide when to accept his apology, to decide when to forgive, to decide when to forget, or to decide not to forget.But standing here, at this moment… this doesn't feel like a right.It feels like a mistake.


End file.
